O so wise words.

"In our day, many children grow up with 

distorted values because

 we as parents overindulge them. 

Whether you are well-to-do or, 

like most of us, of more modest means, 

we as parents often attempt to provide 

children with almost everything they want 

thus taking away from them

 the blessing of anticipating, 

of longing for something they do not have.

 One of the most important things

 we can teach our children is to deny themselves.

 Instant gratification generally makes for weak people. 

How many truly great individuals do you know 

who never had to struggle?"

-Elder Joe J. Christensen, 1999

"Giving really is at the 

heart of our faith.

At this Easter time, we again commemorate that "God [our Heavenly Father] so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son," who came to the earth and could have possessed any material thing but rather chose to give to all of us an example of a simple life free from any shade of greed, selfishness, or overindulgence. May we strive daily to live more like He lived, the ultimate example of a life of depth and meaning."

-Elder Joe J. Christensen, 1999

cannot stop the rocking. it hurts to let go.

Now your bowl is empty
And your feet are cold
And your body cannot stop rocking
I know
It hurts to let go

Since the day we found you
You have been our friend
And your voice still
Echoes in the hallway of this house
But now
It's the end

We will be with you
When you're leaving
We will be with you
When you go
We will be with you
And hold you till you're quiet
It hurts to let you go

We will be with you
You will stay with us

WE lived with GOD

A visual indication

I spent 72 hours in Utah. 

I had a two fold mission there. 

One, to shoot some engagement photos for some clients 

and secondly, attend my niece’s blessing. 

(Okay, three fold, I got my hair done as well.)

On the way to Salt Lake City, 

I tried to share the gospel. 

That story is found

here:

________________________

I had such a good experience, I wanted to attempt to create another opportunity.

As I entered the terminal where my flight would depart to New York City, I saw a man.

He was handsome, he was holding his iPhone with part of his elbow. He didn’t have a

fore arm or right hand, 

but he seemed to be doing great without it.

I smiled. I am left handed too.

 He was red and flush around his face. He was sitting with some other men. 

The sunburn was a visual indication

that he had spent some time in Utah snow skiing.

 I immediately thought about Phantom pains, I wondered if he had suffered them. I wanted to ask him, but I wanted to remain appropriate as well. It was a visible dis advantage that he had, or was it?

I recently had some thoughts about Phantom pains,

those can be read 

here:

____________________

Essentially, Phantom pains are sensations described as perceptions that an individual

 experiences relating to a limb or an organ that is not physically there anymore.

To me, Phantom pains are our spirits way 

of telling our body, we are a soul.

The doctrine of the resurrection and 

what it means to us in this life is profound.

I wanted to share this with him.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to talk to him, 

as he was on his phone and obviously engaged by his friends 

whom he was traveling with. 

I moved seats and I sat behind him and read.

 I wondered about him.

 I didn’t really feel like

 I asked the Lord for help in that moment.

I ponder ideas a lot in my mind, but often times

they don’t make audible presence in my prayers

to the Lord, not as much as they should.

I know He knows my heart

But that should be no excuse.

 I was in an airport. 

So I was somewhat faithless

as I let my doubts and the environment I was in,

over ride my ability to give heed

 to the possibility of a gospel sharing moment, or so I thought.

I say this because I just sat there and read.

I did not go over to him and bear any type of witness.

I thought about my last experience, 

at the beginning of this 72 hour trip, 

where I sat on the floor in the terminal, 

charging my laptop,

and a gentlemen sat next to me.

I considered that a tender mercy from the Lord.

Because it happened without me actually asking for it.

I always tell people to try to think about changing 

the phrases of our prayers;

instead of praying for missionary opportunities, 

to pray for the strength and courage to create 

the opportunity.

 I learned this early and it changed 

my ability in my self and helped me exercise

agency, not knowing before hand the outcome.

But in this moment, I did not take any of my own advice,

that once before, I had so easily dished out to others.

As the flight was announced I was able to board

earlier than most passengers.

I settled in and opened my book of Mormon

as I occasionally glanced up to see the 

plane fill with luggage and passengers

preparing for this red eye journey.

The three gentlemen with sun burnt faces made their way,

toward the back of the plane, where I was.

They loaded their luggage in the overhead

compartments.

And then a miracle happened.

The gentlemen without a right arm

sat down right next to me.

Before I continue, you must understand the background

of why this was such a grand miracle to me.

As many of you know, I was given a challenge by

my Stake President in mid October, to read the Book of

Mormon by June and to take it with me when ever I could, however it was possible.

 The challenge was two fold. 

One, read it.

Two, carry a beautiful blue copy with me,

making it visible, making myself a witness,

even if I never said a word, 

I would be a visual indication.

The promised blessings of this challenge 

were not any type of “cause and event effect” result,

but a simple exhortation to come unto Christ.

But as I sat here, next to the gentlemen, not by choice,

but by desire, 

a subtle ushering of love

 came into my mind and flowed to my heart. 

He was assigned to sit next to me.

In that moment, in that very seat, 22f, I knew once again, that God is real and He knows me in detail.

He knows when I’m too weak to ask for help.

He knows when I am willing to be an instrument,

and He knows I know that I can’t do this work

alone, and why would I? How could I?

He was teaching me patience in that terminal,

but in the moment I knew not why.

I turned to him and smiled:

"Sun burnt! how was the snow?"

As I sat by Joe, he told me a little about his trip to Rochester, NY,

his home town. I told him a little bit about the church,

that it was something I try to study daily.

And although he isn’t really religious, 

I knew Heavenly Father knows him too.

And although, it is quite possible,

I might have been blinded a little bit

by his handsomeness, and the

connection that we had, having both played

college soccer and loved it,

I knew that the world that Heavenly

Father wants us to participate in,

is a connective one.

We need to do our part to make those connections.

And even though the desired results

or blessings, I had imagined would come

from keeping this type of commitment or 

challenge, have not been what I expected....

There have been unique tailored blessings

granted unto me according to my needs,

and it’s ironic and profound that, what we need

is received when we work to look outside ourselves.

And maybe that is when the challenge become

three fold.

Joe was born without an arm, so he never suffered phantom pains and when I explained it to him more.

 I was completely happy inside to know that the message I thought was best for him

 (based on his appearance) may not have been

the one that the Lord wanted him to know.

I looked at him, without his arm and immediately decided

the doctrine of the resurrection was what he needed to hear, but as the flight proceeded 

with little to no turbulence,

I knew the message was really for me.

dear you

Dear You,

Aren't you so grateful you are having all these great experiences.

You may feel alone, but really this might be your only

time where you GET to be alone. To move about your

day is utter freedom. You are so blessed.

You get to wake up every morning and 

attend crossfit. Remember how much you love that.

The push, the beginning of the end of your comfort zone.

You always feel so great after a good hard workout.

You won't always have the luxury of such a fine time in your life.

Remember how easy it is for you to pick up the word of God

each morning, without having to wonder what child might 

interrupt your study. Remember how blessed you are.

You get to jump on an south bound train and head into

the city of New York, you get to sit by anyone you want 

on the subway, you can take a photo of anything you want.

As much as you struggle with what you can't have.

There are a lot of things you already have.

You are lucky. None of your siblings or parents

made it this long single.

Your empathy is growing and blossoming into

a perspective that will help many others,

all because you can do what you want to do.

blessed. lucky. it's your life.

You have the time to investigate anything you would like.

Remember to continually love the God in all that you do,

that your path may be more clear, 

more strait and ever so bright.

Dear you,

Yes you may feel like your life is a puzzle.

But the journey has always brought you closer to those that needed your light and knowledge

to assist them along their way. You have always taught yourself that what they need is 

more important than what you want. You have learned so much about yourself as you

have given in to that idea. Remember you love that a lot yourself, even though

you know you cannot please everyone. You have gotten to know your soul

as you have pushed yourself physically and pondered who you are spiritually.

All of these great experiences have happened to you as you have travelled 

somewhat alone. Some may call it a dandy life you have lived,  but you know that 

it is now. You feel with your heart and reach with your hands to lift others.

Remember how happy this has always made you. Remember that you don't 

need everything to make sure today. You know enough to make today sure.

Sure of goodness, sure of smiles, sure of hard work and of course

sure of love, love for your Heavenly Father, for others around you.

Remember this time of vulnerable, very well may be the Lord

preparing you to "cleave unto one" 

Even though you don't recognize.

Remember that you know people much lonelier than you.

You know people who feel more alone than you.

You know people who know despair.

Remember there are reasons why you know them.

why not the book of mormon + delayed flight

"The teachings of our Heavenly Father

 are not the ordinary, 

predictable, 

run-of-the-mill kind

 you can pick up in paperback 

at the local bookstore. "

Elder Uchtdorf

I'm in the jetBlue terminal at the 

JFK Airport.

Early 90's music is playing,

I'm in terminal one.

I just ended a conversation with a man.

He was drumming a constient

beat upon his knees

with a set of drum sticks.

So clearly, I saw him as

a perfect candidate to receive 

restored truth.

He is from Grenada.

(Est. population, 91,000; Members, 178; Branches, 1;

Percent LDS, .2, or one in 511; 

Caribbean Area; West Indies Mission)

He just spent three months 

vacationing there,

He is living in Oakland now.

He is sitting next to me because

1. his flight is delayed.

2. he had a layover.

He plays his drums every weekend 

at local place called

Berkeley Flea Market

Ashby avenue. Berkeley.ca.USA.

He invited me to come and watch him in the drum circle, next time I am in Oakland.

Road trip anyone?

He saw my book of Mormon sitting on my 

back pack.

"Are you a latter day saint?" he asks

"I am"

He responds 

"Grenada has a beautiful chapel

right on the water,

its beautiful."

I'm smiling as I ask him,

"Oh, have you been inside?"

"No," he says,  "I'm not a very religious 

person, but that building is in the 

best location."

I begin to teach him about Tithing and 

part of it's purpose is to fund the 

construction and building of the

chapels.

Now, I'm dear friend wasn't entirely 

interested in entering the building.

It's a warm up for both of us,

to get to know things outside 

of ourselves.

I'm humbled.

I don't have any pass along 

cards or even business cards.

But I know his location of employment.

To get to know things outside ourselves

for me can be directly credited to Jacob.

 Jacob 2:17 

Think of your brethren

 like unto yourselves, 

and be familiar with all and 

free with your substance, 

that they may be rich like unto you.

This verse changed me in 2007

I was walking around in the desert,

more specifically McClintock Dr.

 in  Tempe,AZ

I had just finished a morning study where

I pondered what it meant to

BE FAMILIAR WITH ALL.

I was determined to truly get to know

people, figure out what makes them tick

smile

laugh

and even cry.

I started to try to train myself to

become more inclusive than ever before.

And something happened.

The first man on the street I met that

morning accepted the book of Mormon

after I shared that scripture with him, 

but I don't know what else happened 

to him..

But something happened to me.

I became happier as I developed myself

into who I needed to be

by focusing on other's needs.

I can't not pin point

the moment it all made sense,

for it never completely makes sense,

but little by little,

information leads to inspiration

and you are closer to where you need to

become.

You don't always have to see the big 

picture of God's plan for you. It's in

the details that you gain traction

and advanced to become more like Him.

And that is what this life is really about

To become.

I feel embrassed that I don't have 

the haste to ask him for his information

to send him his own book of Mormon 

or information or material regarding

our conversation.

what happened to my haste?

I'm not a full-time missionary

anymore, that is for sure.

I DO NOT SAY A PRAYER ADDRESSED

TO HEAVENLY FATHER,

I just had the simple desire in my heart

for our

conversation not to end.

There is space and silence for a couple minutes.

He leans over to me again.

"Is everyone in your church required

to serve a full-time mission?"

"do you have more than one spouse."

That question stems

so many things.

I bear my testimony to him

that God knows each of us

individually.

We connect.

I teach him about 

The light of Christ.

and how the world calls it

our conscience.

________________________

And as his flight boards it's passengers,

He gathers his items

we exchange names and

I ask him boldly

"Can I get your contact information

that I might be able to share 

more truth about the things

we have talked about."

In his most gracious voice he says

"you have shared so much with me,

I will be fine, thank you though. It 

was such a pleasure to meet you."

He leaves..

and my own secret prayer has been

answered. He didn't leave with

a book of mormon, he left with 

else. 

I was able to bear my testimony.

As I am typing this post,

Another gentlemen sits next to me

and starts asking me about utah....

...........

Phantom pains of homesickness

The word home-sickness 

was coined in 1798 to describe 

one’s feelings of near depression 

when they are away from home.

So then, what did you leave

 behind at home 

that makes you feel 

this way?

The family room, the back yard,

 the home cooked meals at the dinner table,

the fast food runs your mother introduced 

to you while she pursued her masters?

There is no medication

 for this and there is

 no know methods

or preventatives for

 such an emotion.

In fact, we don't even know

when it will "hit" us.

It just comes in our mind like

a river and soon we

are swimming in the flood.

Before tonight, I thought

Home sickness for me 

is a result of separation 

from my parents and siblings,

But more importantly, 

the environment we create

when we are together.

The world, or the views of 

the world may deem homesickness

as a character flaw, 

as a sign of weakness. 

But how could this be, and why

would other people be so worried about

the emotions we are feeling, especially

if they didn't involve them.

So homesickness can be directly

related to people that we love.

To love those around you and 

recognize the absence thereof

does not resonate with me as being weak,

yet it is a bond that has been stretched

cross-country and for some,

 even to the heavens.

I believe that homesickness

is not a singular syndrome, meaning 

an illness or disorder 

rather, a means unto an ends.

In Philosophy, the term

means to an end refers to 

any action (the means) that the 

sole purpose of it is to

achieve something else (an end).

So how is homesickness a

means to an end....?

And as I was reading 

The Book of Mormon this evening,

I suffered an unrelated experience.

Or was it unrelated.

I became homesick.

All the sudden I was swimming

in the flood of thoughts and

desires to be married, to

be a wife and a mother.

There was nothing in the

Book of Mormon that 

I was reading that could

have clearly taken my mind to

entertain these thoughts,

except the fact, 

that The Book Of Mormon

is all about families.

I was humbled 

in that thought alone.

A wise man wrote a book once,

it was about transitional phrases

that all humans will go through.

“It's like being between Trapezes.”

(William Bridges)

Yes, I felt this way, just someone 

in between.

Yes, I was suffering

 all the signs

and symptons

of homesickness; 

you know the ones:

sad, lonely, hungry.

Just kidding, I don't think

hunger is a sign of homesickness.

You see how I can crack a joke and

still smile through this homesickness??

It's been brought to my attention,

that the things and people I am most homesick

for in my life, actually do not exist.

At least not yet,

or I do not recognize

their existence.

 I am feeling these 

emotions of homesickness

as I thought about my desires to raise

children. To be a happy mother.

 To be a good wife and 

even a fun girlfriend.

None of these titles

define me....yet..

or currently..

Then why do I feel

the Phantom pain for them.

And then it hit me,

it is in my nature to want 

these things and my potential

to become it, is the driving force

of the choices I make,

this homesickness is a reminder

of things that can become.

The phantom pain is 

there to awaken me to 

the reality that God 

sees me in this light too.

While I served a mission in Arizona.

I was invited to eat dinner with a family.

The father was a doctor, a sugeron.

Before he learned about The

Church of Jesus Christ

 of Latter-Day Saints,

he had an experience

that would later lead him to

the restored gospel and truth.

He was with a patient, that had lost a limb.

Yes, his arm was gone.

Yet, he complained of the pain

in the arm.... that was not attached to his body any longer.

In that moment, he knew

that a body was not just a body, 

that a spirit was real as well,

and perhaps the two of them combined

was really a human soul.

So by definition we know that

Phantom pain sensations are described

 as perceptions that an individual experiences

 relating to a limb or an organ

 that is not physically part of the body.

As I am making these connections,

peace comes into my mind,

that my opportunity to

fulfill these roles,

has not happened yet,

but they will.

And if I continue 

to suffer these phantom pains

of homesickness,

they will serve as a reminder,

what want I want,

and who the Lord needs me to be.

And the pursuit where both of those

paths will cross and become one.