Phantom pains of homesickness

The word home-sickness 

was coined in 1798 to describe 

one’s feelings of near depression 

when they are away from home.

So then, what did you leave

 behind at home 

that makes you feel 

this way?

The family room, the back yard,

 the home cooked meals at the dinner table,

the fast food runs your mother introduced 

to you while she pursued her masters?

There is no medication

 for this and there is

 no know methods

or preventatives for

 such an emotion.

In fact, we don't even know

when it will "hit" us.

It just comes in our mind like

a river and soon we

are swimming in the flood.

Before tonight, I thought

Home sickness for me 

is a result of separation 

from my parents and siblings,

But more importantly, 

the environment we create

when we are together.

The world, or the views of 

the world may deem homesickness

as a character flaw, 

as a sign of weakness. 

But how could this be, and why

would other people be so worried about

the emotions we are feeling, especially

if they didn't involve them.

So homesickness can be directly

related to people that we love.

To love those around you and 

recognize the absence thereof

does not resonate with me as being weak,

yet it is a bond that has been stretched

cross-country and for some,

 even to the heavens.

I believe that homesickness

is not a singular syndrome, meaning 

an illness or disorder 

rather, a means unto an ends.

In Philosophy, the term

means to an end refers to 

any action (the means) that the 

sole purpose of it is to

achieve something else (an end).

So how is homesickness a

means to an end....?

And as I was reading 

The Book of Mormon this evening,

I suffered an unrelated experience.

Or was it unrelated.

I became homesick.

All the sudden I was swimming

in the flood of thoughts and

desires to be married, to

be a wife and a mother.

There was nothing in the

Book of Mormon that 

I was reading that could

have clearly taken my mind to

entertain these thoughts,

except the fact, 

that The Book Of Mormon

is all about families.

I was humbled 

in that thought alone.

A wise man wrote a book once,

it was about transitional phrases

that all humans will go through.

“It's like being between Trapezes.”

(William Bridges)

Yes, I felt this way, just someone 

in between.

Yes, I was suffering

 all the signs

and symptons

of homesickness; 

you know the ones:

sad, lonely, hungry.

Just kidding, I don't think

hunger is a sign of homesickness.

You see how I can crack a joke and

still smile through this homesickness??

It's been brought to my attention,

that the things and people I am most homesick

for in my life, actually do not exist.

At least not yet,

or I do not recognize

their existence.

 I am feeling these 

emotions of homesickness

as I thought about my desires to raise

children. To be a happy mother.

 To be a good wife and 

even a fun girlfriend.

None of these titles

define me....yet..

or currently..

Then why do I feel

the Phantom pain for them.

And then it hit me,

it is in my nature to want 

these things and my potential

to become it, is the driving force

of the choices I make,

this homesickness is a reminder

of things that can become.

The phantom pain is 

there to awaken me to 

the reality that God 

sees me in this light too.

While I served a mission in Arizona.

I was invited to eat dinner with a family.

The father was a doctor, a sugeron.

Before he learned about The

Church of Jesus Christ

 of Latter-Day Saints,

he had an experience

that would later lead him to

the restored gospel and truth.

He was with a patient, that had lost a limb.

Yes, his arm was gone.

Yet, he complained of the pain

in the arm.... that was not attached to his body any longer.

In that moment, he knew

that a body was not just a body, 

that a spirit was real as well,

and perhaps the two of them combined

was really a human soul.

So by definition we know that

Phantom pain sensations are described

 as perceptions that an individual experiences

 relating to a limb or an organ

 that is not physically part of the body.

As I am making these connections,

peace comes into my mind,

that my opportunity to

fulfill these roles,

has not happened yet,

but they will.

And if I continue 

to suffer these phantom pains

of homesickness,

they will serve as a reminder,

what want I want,

and who the Lord needs me to be.

And the pursuit where both of those

paths will cross and become one.