23 January 2010

Good Things are happening in my life..every single day.

A couple neat things:

-Yesterday I was in the Standard Examiner Newspaper..in a wedding dress... for the Bridal Fair, I think. i haven't seen it yet, I was just told.
I used to model wedding dresses for Dillards {pre-mission} maybe I'll post it, if I see it. section 2A

-My photograph design was chosen to be the cover of the Metaphor publication, which I have heard 25,000 people see it. So you will see that very soon.

-Student Art Show is up at Weber State, I submitted 5 items and 3 made it in and will be showcased. I am excited to see all the other student's work.

-I taught the great group of girls on my mission. 5 best friends, their story has a four page spread in the NEW ERA Article in February. Watch for that, I'm guessing there will be a frumpy sister missionary photo in there. I can't wait to read the story. The girls have remained close and I love them so! Page 43!

-My Dad's invention is patented and moving forward. It's a water storage unit built into your plumbing, so when disaster strikes,, you still have fresh water. {smart man if your asking me}

Lastly, I am so grateful for life, living, being cold and being sick and breathing. Each step is our own. every day is different and I appreciate it.

Enclosed is a photo of my sacred grove. This has a special place in my heart for so many reasons.

It's where I met so many good things.

Self Portrait

18 January 2010

It was cold outside and I wrapped my scarf around my neck tightly. I was wearing a long sleeve grey t-shirt. I had just received a phone call from Josh's Dad. It was this past Saturday afternoon.

I entered the Fowers Home.

The coffee table was stacked with frames I had given them before the viewing. There they laid, smiling back at me.. Photos of him and I. They were taken with a film camera, that time seemed so very long ago and yet it was raw in my thoughts this day.

A present laid wrapped on top on the frames and I was able to identify it as a book.

I had suspected it was something like a book when his dad called me in Arizona and mentioned Josh looked long and hard.

We did that for each other. We looked long and hard when we gave gifts.

The last night I was with him, I was in his arms, slightly falling asleep. I would awake to see him staring at me long and hard.

I begged him not to do that but he said he couldn't help it. Oh the flattery... I love him for that.

Dave sat across from me in the living and handed me the book.

I couldn't get my eyes off of the note tag. It was Dave's hand written and I knew this would be they last gift that Josh physically handed to me through Dave.

It was the first gift in 10 years that didn't have a card with it.

I opened it.

the book was titled: A book of Silence.

I started to bawl in front of Dave.

Streaming, wet, warm tears filled my eyes, I couldn't continue to read any parts, so I just looked down.

Dave got a box of tissue and began to tell me about Josh's search for this book. Dave suggested that he go to he library first to check it out, to see if it was something he really wanted to get me.

Josh ignored those suggestion and Dave said he was determined ad sure that this was what he wanted to give me this year.

Remember IRONY. He entered the room... Silence..... Thoughts of Josh and silence.


May 2006, we laid on forest green park grass hours before I would be set apart to represent the Lord as a missionary.

Our silence looked up at the sky and the sunset.

Our silence knew his addiction had to diminish during the 18 month service for us to celestially bind our love.

Our silence sat across from each other every other night at the hospital cafeteria for a late night dinner.

Our silence sat on top of some of the most majestic red rock mountains in the world.

Silence become Our silence at an age when others wondered where we had lingered off too..

{I think it is wrong to discipline children with silence.... It's the gift that nourished our love, which is ironic too, because we communicated so much verbally. But we built the balance}

Our silence was strengthened late at night over the phone... not wanting to hang up.

Our Silence was strengthened in the Ogden Canyon Drives.

Our last time outside together, he was bothered by me, I keep saying things he was thinking and he thought it wasn't fair.

"Josh, you do it to me ALL THE TIME." And in times of silence we stole each other's hearts.

Silence,,,, how we loved you!

The book was written by a woman that was the second oldest in her family, she grew up with noise. She traveled to Scotland and settled on the isle of Skye to blossom!

The book is about finding identity through silence and the road it takes for us to be comfortable in those types of situations and environment.

Really?! It's not fair he is gone but He wants to be a part of my life still and so he does.

I left his house wearing his coat, with my scarf still wrapped tightly around my neck.

ready for this?!

That night I drove up the canyon to the Louds home {Loud's are in the bishopric in my singles ward, they had me over for dinner}

I talked a bit and wandered around the family room looking at photos,

I walked over to a beautiful landscape image or painting above their mantle.

It was breathtaking. It had a caption titled and location which read:


Thank you Louds, Thank you Josh. Thank thee Heavenly Father.


13 January 2010


12 January 2010

This morning I boarded the airplane with sandy, dusty black adidas mary janes on my feet. {The dust reminded me of knocking on doors, chasing people down to share the gospel, but this particular dust was the fruit of my labor picking tangelos in an orchard in Queen Creek, Arizona.} I had my purse full of pass along cards and I smiled to all the first class passengers. They needed to know the party is always in the back.

And so I headed there, to the back.


window seat, not for me but for my Nikon.

I sat down and thought about the location of my heart. I begin to pout, which was the beginning of a full on cry.
Yes, on the airplane. It was comparable to some passengers' first time in the air.
I'm sure the people around me must have assumed this was my first flight.

This was the first time since he passed away that I couldn't hold my own in public. So I just let it out in silence, waiting for the plane to lift my heart to an altitude possibly closer to the heavens.

Last Friday morning, it didn't matter that I drove 715 miles and 12 hours to get away from my reality, it followed me and I still missed him.

I drove passed Bryce Canyon and more specifically Kolob Canyon, where Josh and I had vacationed multiple times with his family.

There were good times.

Fun and Funny times.

The Friday sun began to fade and the sunset bore witness of The Great Creator whose works has no end and no beginning.

Somewhere along the scenic Arizonan Highway, I decided to turn my phone on to see if I had reception and to see any text messages received.

Five minutes passed and the screen lit up. I looked down and it read:


I answered: Hello!?

"Jenny, how are you?" His father asked.

"Dave, guess what I am doing right now?"

"okay, you are playing soccer and you just answered the phone with your left hand..??" he asked. {pretty good guessing for a father of a past boyfriend. He has always remembered my loves in life and my dominance of the left hand, like father like son."

"GOOD GUESS DAVE, I"M DRIVING TO ARIZONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was full of excitement mostly to hear his response.

"Jenny, be safe, how long? when? why? are you stopping, don't drive through the night......"

After I clued him in to the much needed break he continued with the purpose of his call.

"Jenny, when you get back from Tempe, please come over and visit us."

"Dave, I will, what do you want from Arizona?."

"Ah, Jenny, I have your Christmas present from Josh. He searched for awhile now, We searched all over to find this and so....."

I started to cry. "Dave, this is making me cry."

"Now Jenny, Don't cry, or I will cry too."

It was too late, after the phone call, I couldn't not.

The first thing I thought about was the Last Christmas card he sent me. it was a letter as lovely as always. He said Christmas was harder without me and better each year we spend it together.

I read that letter the morning of the funeral, the day before and a couple in between then.

Josh always included a good note about his gratitude and thankfulness and that was all I was yearning for. Just a
short note to say Hey.

I might make it there tonight or tomorrow but all I know if that it could be 12 years of something we shared together....

I cry thinking about it, in sadness that he is gone and in happiness that he has always left something for me. His thoughtfulness is blessing me even he isn't here.........right now... pretty special guy!

05 January 2010


headband Sale

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