18 January 2010

It was cold outside and I wrapped my scarf around my neck tightly. I was wearing a long sleeve grey t-shirt. I had just received a phone call from Josh's Dad. It was this past Saturday afternoon.

I entered the Fowers Home.

The coffee table was stacked with frames I had given them before the viewing. There they laid, smiling back at me.. Photos of him and I. They were taken with a film camera, that time seemed so very long ago and yet it was raw in my thoughts this day.

A present laid wrapped on top on the frames and I was able to identify it as a book.

I had suspected it was something like a book when his dad called me in Arizona and mentioned Josh looked long and hard.

We did that for each other. We looked long and hard when we gave gifts.

The last night I was with him, I was in his arms, slightly falling asleep. I would awake to see him staring at me long and hard.

I begged him not to do that but he said he couldn't help it. Oh the flattery... I love him for that.

Dave sat across from me in the living and handed me the book.

I couldn't get my eyes off of the note tag. It was Dave's hand written and I knew this would be they last gift that Josh physically handed to me through Dave.

It was the first gift in 10 years that didn't have a card with it.

I opened it.

the book was titled: A book of Silence.

I started to bawl in front of Dave.

Streaming, wet, warm tears filled my eyes, I couldn't continue to read any parts, so I just looked down.

Dave got a box of tissue and began to tell me about Josh's search for this book. Dave suggested that he go to he library first to check it out, to see if it was something he really wanted to get me.

Josh ignored those suggestion and Dave said he was determined ad sure that this was what he wanted to give me this year.

Remember IRONY. He entered the room... Silence..... Thoughts of Josh and silence.


May 2006, we laid on forest green park grass hours before I would be set apart to represent the Lord as a missionary.

Our silence looked up at the sky and the sunset.

Our silence knew his addiction had to diminish during the 18 month service for us to celestially bind our love.

Our silence sat across from each other every other night at the hospital cafeteria for a late night dinner.

Our silence sat on top of some of the most majestic red rock mountains in the world.

Silence become Our silence at an age when others wondered where we had lingered off too..

{I think it is wrong to discipline children with silence.... It's the gift that nourished our love, which is ironic too, because we communicated so much verbally. But we built the balance}

Our silence was strengthened late at night over the phone... not wanting to hang up.

Our Silence was strengthened in the Ogden Canyon Drives.

Our last time outside together, he was bothered by me, I keep saying things he was thinking and he thought it wasn't fair.

"Josh, you do it to me ALL THE TIME." And in times of silence we stole each other's hearts.

Silence,,,, how we loved you!

The book was written by a woman that was the second oldest in her family, she grew up with noise. She traveled to Scotland and settled on the isle of Skye to blossom!

The book is about finding identity through silence and the road it takes for us to be comfortable in those types of situations and environment.

Really?! It's not fair he is gone but He wants to be a part of my life still and so he does.

I left his house wearing his coat, with my scarf still wrapped tightly around my neck.

ready for this?!

That night I drove up the canyon to the Louds home {Loud's are in the bishopric in my singles ward, they had me over for dinner}

I talked a bit and wandered around the family room looking at photos,

I walked over to a beautiful landscape image or painting above their mantle.

It was breathtaking. It had a caption titled and location which read:


Thank you Louds, Thank you Josh. Thank thee Heavenly Father.



Keisha Voorhees said...

i have been reading over your past blogs ever since we became friends on facebook... okay i admit, maybe i might have possibly begun snooping before then! and i just wanted to let you know that you and your beautiful spirit warmed my heart. i was reading blindly because even though i was getting pieces here and there, i know hardly anything about your life and whats going on within it, but your short stories are so touching. i can't help but feel closer to you; you're such a strong person, and i feel honored to "know" you. thank you for being amazing, you've made my day!

Amy said...

wow i have chills all over! that is amazing, it is amazing how things happen and the timing, the Lord knows us! He knows what we need and when we need it. i love you and i love Josh! What a wonderful thing that you two shared, you really know that you love someone you don't have to say anything!