26 February 2012

Phantom pains of homesickness

The word home-sickness 
was coined in 1798 to describe 
one’s feelings of near depression 
when they are away from home.

So then, what did you leave
 behind at home 
that makes you feel 
this way?

The family room, the back yard,
 the home cooked meals at the dinner table,
the fast food runs your mother introduced 
to you while she pursued her masters?

There is no medication
 for this and there is
 no know methods
or preventatives for
 such an emotion.

In fact, we don't even know
when it will "hit" us.
It just comes in our mind like
a river and soon we
are swimming in the flood.

Before tonight, I thought
Home sickness for me 
is a result of separation 
from my parents and siblings,
But more importantly, 
the environment we create
when we are together.

The world, or the views of 
the world may deem homesickness
as a character flaw, 
as a sign of weakness. 

But how could this be, and why
would other people be so worried about
the emotions we are feeling, especially
if they didn't involve them.

So homesickness can be directly
related to people that we love.
To love those around you and 
recognize the absence thereof
does not resonate with me as being weak,
yet it is a bond that has been stretched
cross-country and for some,
 even to the heavens.

I believe that homesickness
is not a singular syndrome, meaning 
an illness or disorder 
rather, a means unto an ends.

In Philosophy, the term
means to an end refers to 
any action (the means) that the 
sole purpose of it is to
achieve something else (an end).

So how is homesickness a
means to an end....?

And as I was reading 
The Book of Mormon this evening,
I suffered an unrelated experience.

Or was it unrelated.

I became homesick.

All the sudden I was swimming
in the flood of thoughts and
desires to be married, to
be a wife and a mother.
There was nothing in the
Book of Mormon that 
I was reading that could
have clearly taken my mind to
entertain these thoughts,
except the fact, 
that The Book Of Mormon
is all about families.

I was humbled 
in that thought alone.

A wise man wrote a book once,
it was about transitional phrases
that all humans will go through.

“It's like being between Trapezes.

(William Bridges)

Yes, I felt this way, just someone 
in between.
Yes, I was suffering
 all the signs
and symptons
of homesickness; 
you know the ones:
sad, lonely, hungry.

Just kidding, I don't think
hunger is a sign of homesickness.

You see how I can crack a joke and

still smile through this homesickness??

It's been brought to my attention,

that the things and people I am most homesick

for in my life, actually do not exist.

At least not yet,

or I do not recognize

their existence.

 I am feeling these 
emotions of homesickness

as I thought about my desires to raise

children. To be a happy mother.

 To be a good wife and 

even a fun girlfriend.

None of these titles

define me....yet..

or currently..

Then why do I feel

the Phantom pain for them.

And then it hit me,

it is in my nature to want 

these things and my potential

to become it, is the driving force

of the choices I make,

this homesickness is a reminder

of things that can become.

The phantom pain is 

there to awaken me to 

the reality that God 

sees me in this light too.

While I served a mission in Arizona.

I was invited to eat dinner with a family.

The father was a doctor, a sugeron.

Before he learned about The

Church of Jesus Christ

 of Latter-Day Saints,

he had an experience

that would later lead him to

the restored gospel and truth.

He was with a patient, that had lost a limb.

Yes, his arm was gone.

Yet, he complained of the pain

in the arm.... that was not attached to his body any longer.

In that moment, he knew

that a body was not just a body, 

that a spirit was real as well,

and perhaps the two of them combined

was really a human soul.

So by definition we know that

Phantom pain sensations are described

 as perceptions that an individual experiences

 relating to a limb or an organ

 that is not physically part of the body.

As I am making these connections,

peace comes into my mind,

that my opportunity to

fulfill these roles,

has not happened yet,

but they will.

And if I continue 

to suffer these phantom pains

of homesickness,

they will serve as a reminder,

what want I want,

and who the Lord needs me to be.

And the pursuit where both of those

paths will cross and become one.

24 February 2012


The seasons of life.
I'm tired of being alone.
I never thought I would say it.

22 February 2012


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I struggle when it comes to food.

Do you believe
Do you hope and still fail
I do
Do you reach and sometimes over reach
I do
This is me
I’m wrapped up in my own nothingness
I pursue hard things because
the easy things seem
fleeing and fade when I blink
I want to be known to myself
I want to look in the mirror and 
remember why I am me
I want memories to dance in my mind
the sad dances and the breath taking ones as well

As you can tell, this post is really about how hard it is for me to make good food choices every single day. I have issues...... good issues.. but still..why can't it be easy!?!

21 February 2012

harlem's hallway

I met her in September, a week after I moved to the East Coast.

We talked for a few minutes and clearly felt that we needed to stay in touch with each other.

And so we did. Which actually meant we exchanged phone numbers and

facebook information and did not talk for months.

Nothing. But we both realized the connection made.

We valued the same things. 

Months past and we both began to live our own lives.

I begin dating a guy and so did she.

Months progressed and my relationship ended.

I visited with her again, the second weekend in February.

We hadn't spoken for months,

but seemingly our connection was still intact.

This wasn't new to me but it was definitely refreshing.

I spent the weekend in her neck of the woods;


As I entered her apartment building,

 a grin grew from one ear to another.

This felt like home, but how could this be,

I had never been here before.

We climbed three flights of stairs and entered her apartment.

The entrance was narrow and verved to the right.

I passed a shelf that displayed a copy of the Book of Mormon

and a photograph of my favorite temple located in Mesa, Arizona.

The hallway leading to every bedroom in the house was straight and narrow,

it was lined with beautiful hardwoods floors 

and reached the height of  twelve feet. 

And all I thought about was the straight and narrowness of its nature.

I had never been here before.

And aside from attending the Manhattan Temple

and YSA ward in Stamford, Connecticut,

I had never felt so at home since I 

moved to New York City.

That weekend I spent discussing matter that were so

much greater than me, than my freshly singularity.

They pertained to obtaining happiness

not only in this life and the next life.

It seems I knew this all along, but had forgotten repeatedly.

These words, this blog is dedicated to that weekend where everything made sense to me again.

These words, this blog is dedicated to all of you who believe that light does attract light.

These words, this blog is dedicated to all of you who believe that you can become better in life

simply by placing yourself in situations and in environments with people

who literally make you want to be a better you.

The only person you should compare yourself to is the old you,

and this blog is dedicated to you, the old you, the new you, 

and most importantly the real you, which you may not even know yet.

These words, this blog is dedicated to this journey.

14 February 2012

ventral tegmental area

Upon somewhat mutual agreement, 

my most recent relationship with a boy 

ended last week.

and somehow I am still in love with life.

Enduring situations that don't not go the way you thought,

or end the way you expected happen to us all the time.

But it seems this type of adversity has never truly

kept me on the ground.

I love a burpee for the simple truth that I 

know I'm hitting the ground and getting right 

back up, over and over again.


Today's is Valentine's Day.

The day of love according to the world...

Then why am I so darn happy, if according to the standards of the

world, today should be that day of single awareness.

You know the one.. where you look for any type of 

emotional cave or crawl space to climb into.

For me, I don't progress that well,

I'm taller for a girl, only almost 5'8,

my body doesnt bend the way it used to,

and when it does, I can't hold a position 

long enough that doesnt cause pain,

from the simple release of that position.

I guess my body shape and size is not the real reason,

I don't seek and hide from days of celebration.

 So why would I celebrate it,

Well, I actually can't help it and wouldn't

want to. I'm wired that way.

so lets talk about love according to the brain.

The human brain can be catergorized into

different compartments, areas....


ventral tegmental area

This is the dopamine area

where we experience intense feelings

and emotions... even those of "love"

Dopamine is sent to many brain regions,

it works as a stimulatant.

We experience so many emotions through the release of dopamine.

And some doctors have said that this can drive a person to find their mate,

their mate for life.  

So it really isn't always about the heart then is it.

The VTA is located at the base of the brain, sort of in the center.

To me, it seems its protected by all the other areas of the brain...


But what about your heart pounding and butterflies in your stomach..

These are from the chemical in your body called


So when you can't get this person off your mind,

you cant blame it on your heart

but your level of dopamine and Norepinephrine in your brain.

13 February 2012

my weekend

08 February 2012

06 February 2012

mental attribute

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me," and when you have found that attitude, follow it."- William James

01 February 2012