28 December 2012

Trust me, I love you.

We all have a little bit of dysfunction in our lives.
 This is normal, because we are normal 
and we are natural to mistakes and poor choices.
 But what if we could target our dysfunction by
 getting to the root of why and how we make mistakes.

 I speak, mostly and almost always by way of the Gospel of Jesus Christ,
 for there is no dysfunction there, only errors made by humans, 
some striving to perfect their lives through the doctrines and taught
 and others disregarding the opportunity to grow.  

So I’ll mention the following by relating it to a tree,
 our lives as a tree and the roots that allows us to function well.

 One of the greatest types of dysfunction in our lives is the absence of trust. 

The type of trust I talk about is the trust that has 
the ability to make us very vulnerable. 
If you know me, you know, I’m all about vulnerability.

 For me personally, I have been able to live and
 grow and breathe more freely as I understood 
my own vulnerabilities,
 inside the gospel and outside. Even though there is 
not much to me outside of the gospel, it's in my genes.

                        When we choice to trust someone, namely God or another person, 
we initiated moments and beginnings to become completely
 comfortable with that person.
 This trust takes one step further in understanding our own 
personal strengths and our weaknesses. This trust is about being
 willing and available 
to the person we trust, with our strengths and weaknesses.

                        You see, I am far from where I would like to be 
when it comes to trusting God and Christ.

 If my trust were perfect in them, anytime the Holy Ghost would touch my heart and mind with things
 that I needed to change, I would change them.

 Sadly, I still struggle with my weakness of trust, but I do know when I have come to the Lord with my weaknesses and asked him for help, I was guided and even delivered.

 Sometimes we don’t recognize the power of trust when it comes to becoming our potential.

 True trust in our Loving Heavenly Father is having the confidence and comfort ability to be completely reliant on His Character, His abilities and redeeming Atonement. 

As we exercise trust,
 it creates experiences. 

Experiences of trusting Heavenly Father and even other people, is what binds us to them. 

Hence, we need trust and we need to be trusted. 

It’s a doctrine that takes time to develop and yet no time to lose. 
But it’s important we don’t get caught in the trap that trust once it’s broken can never be regained.

 Through proper repentance and restitution, the binding that was once there can be healed and through steadfast work, rebuilt.

 But that’s the irony of this dysfunction.

 The absence of trust can break a bind, and that can change everything. 

Do I trust the Lord enough, to repent of the things I need to?

Can I ever get back to that point?

Yes, its between me, an imperfect person, and God, a perfected being.

It is when we implement characteristics and the nature of God into

our own personal lives, are we able to overcome and truly become.

 For trust to weld or bind itself in my mind, 
yes, I must trust Him in all things,
 including His timing and power to restore my trust to and even in him. 

I use the word TRUST because I know before I came to earth;
 my trust in Him was whole.
 I know this, because I chose His plan and I trusted in His plan for me. 
Trust, as defined above becomes a power
, when people know and acknowledge that one and
 nobody else is pretending to be something they are not.

 They come to the table, lay upon it, 
their weaknesses and even their strengths and there,
 the trust begins to bind. 

When we enable trust in our relationship,
 we avoid a close friend of dis trust and that is fear.

 Fear of conflict, fear of failure. 
We may know this so called friend all too well. 
When we have relationship that is difficult to harvest trust,
 it’s difficult to engage in any type of conflict or resolution.

 I don’t use conflict as a negative term.
 I have a relationship with the Holy Ghost. 
When I was 8 yrs. old, it was bestowed upon me by the laying on of hands 
by a worthy priesthood holder, who happened to be my father. 

Scripture taught me that as long as I keep God’s commandments, 
the Holy Ghost would be my constant companion. 

These scriptures taught me that I needed to exercise faith in the messages or 
promptings and impressions the Holy Ghost might whisper into my heart.

 And so it began, I would read scriptures about the Savior and his ability
 to heal the wounded and peace would encompass my heart and mind,
 it led me to know of the truthfulness of the scriptures and so it continued. 
This was me, trusting the Holy Ghost.

26 December 2012


You love, You love, You love.

I love life.

Even while it all falls down, I have the ability to love.

I feel spoiled to be loved, but it seems I get so much out of loving.

Doing the love.

I'll love on you, all the days long.

You should try it,

especially while everything all falls down.



May your transitions teach you all you need to know to become

your best self.

I don't think there 

is a proper way

to celebrate something

 which makes 

you happy. 

- Matthew Oliphant



25 December 2012

Day 43

It's day 43 without sugar.

I've made it through the holidays with simple sugar found in cottage cheese,

fresh fruit and a handful of nuts.

Yesterday I implemented some dried blueberries,
and some other mixed fruit.

But I am limiting myself to 20 grams of sugar 

each day.

Sugar is in everything, veggies, fruit, and diary.

did you know:



Merry Christmas you filthy animals.

17 December 2012

The beat of death and eternity.

Three years ago today you left the earth,

 or you at least exited your body.

It stopped breathing.

 and I felt like I stopped too. 

And when I was breathing, I thought I would dare die

from all the horrid tears that seem to bleed from my heart.

It never seemed to stop, for years.

Three years ago today, it all fell down.

Even though I was told that you were above.

It all fell down.

and after it fell down, it fell apart.

but I still bowed my head toward the Lord.

And you still loved me in my weakness to overcome or

even slightly bear the grief that would lay near me each crisp morning and each long late lonely

dark night.

The heavy winter presses itself against

all that I held dear. 

And I did it alone, alone without you, yet I remained alive, and that little

seed of life I held dear, began to grow stronger.

I grew into a Rhythm, my own beat that began to attract

things that were never attractive before.

I was given new eyes, ears, but not a new heart, not yet.

Sunday came, each week, even when everything else all fell down.

My love for others exploded, it consumed me like a fire.

I needed to be near people.

I wanted to warm people.

I wanted to be near something warmer than winter.

So it's been three years, and my heart has made its path into new love, new light.

I have been loved in ways I didn't know existed, you did this while you were alive and

mercifully, I felt it in your death.

You became a better part of my life.

And your death became my life, in a fairly healthy way.

Yes, this note may sound not healthy, and unfair, but I've been watched over

and chastened to feel more love and grow in happiness.

No doctor could give me this gift.

No medication could transcend my life.

The happiness felt through opposition, a dynamic teacher.

I have tried to fall in love since you died.

Sometimes it didn't work, sometimes I forced it, other times, I thought I would fake it until I made it.

All along this path, I did my true best to be loyal to the Lord and His Will for me.

it's been tricky...even still.


You would think three years could mend the hemorrhage in my heart. 

But I've learned, its not about mending, its about building.

It's about binding myself to Him.

Building upon all the good, bad and ugly we endure in life and finding ways to smiles

through the adaptation that maybe life doesn't turn out the way we imagined or even hoped it would.

I write you now... on your anniversary death to let you know, I'm doing well.

I feel so alive. I feel fairly fulfilled with all the endeavors I have pursued.

even with the ones I have yet to flesh out.

And the secrets out, Josh, my life gets better. every.single.day.

My life means more to me because I knew you and because I fell in love with you

and you taught me how to not judge and how to make a grilled cheese sandwich,

because you loved me back and spoke my secret language of silence.

I don't wonder what the spirit world is like.

I don't wonder anymore what it is like to function only as a spirit.

I don't even question our reunion.

I am more stuck in this obsession we call life.

I'm trying to experience it all, in it's reality of peaks and pits

and love and heart aches.

You'd be pleased with me, just as I am with you.

You are with one of my neighbors,

 my grandparents,

 my soccer coach, 

one of my soccer friends,

 and my childhood bishop that passed 

away yesterday during his Sunday nap.

You are all still present in your presence, yet not mortally available.

You live on no matter how cold or lonely I get.

The beat of Eternity continues in one eternal round, 

sweeping up all the grief the world has felt, even in this past week.

Particles of what could have been are engulfed into the 

encircling arms of the One who gave us life.

We ache, but we have the option to ache in the loving arms of the One

who has gone before us and suffered all that we know, all that we strive to become and 

all that we never make it out to be.


Hope is the abiding trust we place in something higher, we 



16 December 2012


01 December 2012

Excerpts by Pres. Eyring: Deliverance

"The power of deliverance is available—
not to escape the test but to endure it well."

"The Savior’s Atonement 
and Resurrection
 give Him the power to deliver
 us in such a trial.
 Through His experience He came 
to know all our griefs. 
He could have known them by 
the inspiration of the Spirit. 
But He chose instead to know by
 experiencing them for Himself."

"The Lord always wants to lead us
 to deliverance through
 our becoming more righteous. 
That requires repentance.
 And that takes humility.
 So the way to deliverance always requires 
humility in order
 for the Lord to be able to lead us 
by the hand where 
He wants to take us through
 our troubles and on to sanctification."

25 November 2012

24 November 2012

Have no fear of time.

I feel this way with all my heart.

23 November 2012


Conversion is a result of multiple experiences you have had,

where the Holy Ghost has witnessed truth to you.

It's the natural result of 

having experiences 

with the Spirit.


"Your happiness now and forever

is conditioned on your degree

 of conversion and the

transformation that it

brings to your life. "

- Richard G. Scott


Stated simply, true conversion is the fruit of faith, repentance, andconsistent obedience.


Faith and character are intimately related.


Character is woven patiently from threads of applied principle, doctrine, and obedience.

Neither Satan nor any other power 

can destroy or undermine 

your growing character. 

Only you could do that through disobedience.


The bedrock of character is integrity. 


Worthy character will strengthen your capacity to recognize the direction of the Spirit and to be obedient to it. Your consistent exercise of faith builds strong character. A secure foundation for your growing character is laid by making Jesus Christ and His teachings the center of your life.


 Your character is a measure of what you are becoming. It is the evidence of how well you are using your time on earth in this period of mortal probation.



Lack of character leads one under pressure to satisfy appetite or seek personal gain.

a testimony is not emotion. 

It is the very essence of character woven

 from threads born of countless correct decisions. 


    God uses your faith to mold your character.
    Character is the manifestation of what you are becoming.
    Strong character results from consistent correct choices.
    The bedrock of character is integrity.
    The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to exercise the power of faith.

22 November 2012

To truly know how much you loved.

This is how we learn to know what we love:

Fill your vessel with grand experiences that have the capacity to

allow you to feel the great goodness of God, through opposition,

that can only be felt or heard or magnified by our own personal 


21 November 2012

i surrender who i've been for who you are

i've waited a hundred years.
but i'd wait a million more for you.
nothing prepared me for
what the privilege of being yours would do.
if i had only felt the warmth within your touch,if i had only seen how you smile when you blush,or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
i would have known 
what i was living for all along.
what i've been living for.
your love is my turning page,where only the sweetest words remain.every kiss is a cursive line,every touch is a redefining phrase.
i surrender who i've been for who you are,for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.if i had only felt how it feels to be yours,well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.what i've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tell,when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.
with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

Please tell me you love the lyrics as much as I do.

as much as I do.

20 November 2012

Tiny Misery is not misery at all.

I was a tiny bit sad last night.

It's been a different November for me, 

but bearable to say the least.

So here I am.... feeling sad things and thoughts..

I read the book of mormon for  a bit and then I read about pioneers,

and my sadness turned to gratitude and I feel bad for even being sad.

I have no reason to.

I can't imagine a life like theirs.

Forgive me for my ingratitude...again....

On another note... heard this song... and favorite part of the song is the following quote.

I've been an other and I've been a lover.

It's a fair true statement.

One time I liked a boy who never liked me back.

and I held onto EVERYTHING.

But one time I liked a guy who like me back.

We held on to everything.

It's easier to hold with two pairs of hands, instead of two lonely hands.

Whose ready for Thanksgiving? I haven't had sugar in 9 days.