26 November 2008

Less about Turk more about thank

Post a comment, the first thoughts that come to your mind about Gratitude
I will be speaking about Gratitude this sunday in sacrament.

P.s. I don't know your email mike? Help a sista out

25 November 2008


I have a story for those of you interested. (leave your email)


22 November 2008

An urge of explaination of thoughts

A baby doll

This is my gorgeous niece. Born two months ago.

I appreciate my crush post being received so well by you guys. I think it sometimes gave me that extra umph to produce more note worthy experiences.
At the time of that post I had no reservations about Handsome guy, even though I knew he had a "previous commitment" that at the time wasn't able to completely commit to. It didn't really feel like that when I was around him.
The course has changed and become more scenic which has left me wondering about which turn I may take. I love long drives, but not when it's involuntary.
But because you were so invested in at least that post. And i feel like I only get to communicate through blogging with some of you. I need to respond.
In order of the comments posted, mainly because it would be a conversation unfinsihed, and we all know that ain't my style:

I loved your legit comment about knowing about facebook and maybe reading this blog. I knew I had to be committed in a degree to be able to post my crush thoughts. But it was a way to let go of reservation without knowing the outcome. And I grew and I couldn't have asked for more.

laurasheridan: I am grateful you are always looking out for my welfare. about the soccer cleats. Handsome guy made a joke when we were on the phone, he was at the mall and said: "Oh I should see if they have soccer cleats ON SALE" Capitalized is the red flag. Many elements of unsurety. I want a guy that wants the best cleats. Kangaroo leather. Something that stands the test of time..right?

Amy-Queen of Kings: I felt your investment and joy. But you must tell me when you don't feel right. There is a lot to be said about the way you feel as you read, especially through the computer screen. I loved your counsel. (Side note: they make computers for the blind,, a Brail screen. A blind man in Arizona read the Book Of Mormon off the screen and felt the spirit as his fingers ran over the words of truth)

Rogers: When dealing with boys or men, I do believe in the Law of Compensation. A good song for cleats would take a lot of faith building on my part.

kelsie: I don't have requirements when looking for a helpmeet to co-exist with. However I know exactly what I DONT WANT and I stay very far away from any one related to that list.

Stacie Marietti: Aside all aspects I know I needed to meet to learn about reservations.

Karen: I miss you two.

Becky: How romantical is being yourself? If only we could have understood this in the beginning of our crushing days.

It's Me...shell: getting new crushes is fun and refines our own skills to be crushable. Thanks for your words!

Cate and Kory: You just to travel this crush path with me. It seemed you were there helping me define what to do and what not to do and when we couldn't decide, we would just prank phone our old crushes. Help me learn to live again!

kristine: Because you are one of my converts. i have a special place in my hearts for your words of wisdom and you know me well, to speak in biblical words that I may gain a testimony of your counsel. we all know I am solely attracted to things that bear fruit and only things that bear fruit consistently. I like it fresh from the vine.

Lisa: I am sure your crushes are way more juicy than mine. none the less it was refreshing to hear from you and I can't wait til December!

carmar76: you have put alot of faith into me to live vicariously through my crushing situations. this also helps my reservations. Thanks!

R. Jane: You have graced my blog with your presence and it will never be the same. remember how I lied or fibbed to you and Matt and some how it worked out and you are married... I could totally use some of those trickery skillz right now!

Megan: A kindred spirit found way too late. You know exactly what I'm feeling. your post about getting out through facebook, comforted me. Rest your soul, you've got a good head on your shoulders!

kisa: my conservative girl, always watching out for me,, making sure I'm not up to something too liberal!

McKeeth: My lovely sister, just smiles and I love her for that.

emma: did you ever think they would be a day without my name badge on. It rocks my world to know you know about my crushes or my non sister missionary side, I hope to never let you down! What Sarah Said,, pretty ironic song to play the first time you hang out with someone.

21 November 2008

Falling Normal

It's just about that time of year again!!!!!!!!!!!
I Go Out Of My Way To Step On Leaves That Look Particularly Crunchy.

Stepping on crunchy leaves, I can't help but think about the immense/massive amount of fun I have. I thought to myself, I’m REALLY having too much fun… I then slow, to really get the full effect of a good crunch, rolling my foot over a pile, feeling them disintegrate under the influence of my foot, actually feeling the sound resonate in my leg… Is this something I should be worried about, could I have or develop a superiority complex, knowing that I can affect this something in such a way; could this lead to physiological or psychiatric problems?

I think we should psychoanalyze those that DON'T like stepping on crunchy leaves.

It's so sad when a leaf looks crunchy, and you get all excited.
Then you step on it..and it's not crunchy at all.

It's like a tiny part of you dies.

However this season hasn't produced the opportunity yet.

I'm watching, I'm waiting, I'm hopeful.

step step.. CRUNCH CRUNCH

16 November 2008

Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love

For work I went with my Boss and his two girls to Disney on ice. I didn't know what to expect because it was my first time. But it was interesting as Bell skating on to the ice and everyone cheered. I felt something, still undefined at the moment.
The crowd roared.They loved her. But they loved her more when the beast was transformed into the long hair charming prince that he was. The camera came out in all their flashing glory. Anytime Disney couples were romantically posed, it was photo after photo after photo. And I know the operator of those camera were not 10 year old giddy girls falling for these situations.

A thought occurred and remained, because I knew it was the mothers and women in the crowd taking pictures. My camera did not capture this experience.

Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love

For the young of heart who believe that:

Glass slippers and pumpkin carriages are comfortable,

Swapping your voice and family for a pair of legs is a good deal,

Love transforms haughty beasts into Princes,

Pretty girls fall for hunchbacks,

Princesses fall for street urchins,

Kissing a sleeping Princess with 100 years of morning breath is pleasant,

All boys grow up, stop fighting pirates, and fall in love,

Gods give up their hard earned immortality for commoners,

And that falling in love with an explorer does not risk a nasty smallpox infection.

However I am still a believer.

13 November 2008


This kills me, in a silly good way. So I have ran into a few of you either on the phone or in person, and you changed our conversations to talk about my crush and why I haven't updated my blog since I mentioned this new seed, but you never commented on my blog. Which isn't a big deal, but come on guys if your interested, you gotta PUT OUT some signs..( blog comments of interest).

The night I burnt Halloween pumpkins everything changed.

It started off at FHE when my ward carved pumpkins, I ending up carving four which means, I'm pretty involved in my own thing. But this handsome guy in my ward befriended a brand new guy in our ward that happened to be next to me (Sadly, I was too engrossed in my punpkin to outreach) the artist in me was focused until this handsome guy hung around. Through slippery slimy orange fingers I tried to get to know him, and thought to myself (Why haven't I noticed his handsomeness). Immediately we made a couple connections with his mission and such, but even now as I type, our connection wasn't based off me loving his mission, it wasn't based off of him complimenting my carving skills, there was something more and it felt nice.

Handsome guy decided to invite people over to his house for a bonfire, I hesitated. I promised my homework we would hang out and spend some good quality time together, but those brown eyes of his seemed to convince me otherwise and I GAVE HEED.

Three of us girls got into Handsome guy's car and headed to his house and along the way he turned on music and declared he had a song for me to listen to. A dedicatory song to me, this was off to a good start. How did he know one of the paths to my heart was music and to step it up a notch. He played one of my favorite Death Cab For Cutie songs, I was flattered, floored and giddy about this. How did he know I love this so? I am usually the one presenting dedicatory things. He said he knew from facebook, which happens to be the second funniest place to stalk people (I mean give extra attention) next to blog stalking. So I was sitting in the back seat listening to this song, but thinking about his extra effort. I realized that crush number one couldn't produce anything for me, With that crush it was like playing chase with someone that played out of courtesy, he couldn't really say "hey, I just don't want to play tag, or chase or hide and seek with you" There is nothing worse than playing hide and seek when people don't take it serious..you know they are even the type that may make you hide for hours because it is funny to them.....Why was I seriously trying to play with someone that didn't take it serious.

There was about a dozen of us around that fire. And it was so much fun. Handsome guy talked to me more about not much and maybe nothing at all, but when you have that type of connection the content is layered by that connection. Everything becomes interesting to talk about because you're interested in them.

As he drove me and my mission companion back to my car at the institute, he verbally pointed out the defined connection we have.

The next Sunday gathering of lunch the old crush was there and I TOLD HIM ABOUT HANDSOME GUY!!! Speaking of him was so easy and a couple girlfriends were so surprised I told Crush #1 about Crush #2, but it was my closure that seemed to fit so well. (side note: I can't believe I pursued someone that considered themselves RESERVED)

So the bonfire was a great night and that great night turned into a great friendship. And this great friendship is something more. This started 18 days ago and I've seen him 11 of those, I only note that because I am working on my math skills! HAHa, you all can see right through me and I love that as well. 11 is a good number don't you think.

EVIDENCE of MORE than a CRUSH: Election night I was with him and for those of you that know me and my family and that night......but I couldn't not go.

I was with him last night. He gave me a sweet sweat wristband (that's another post) that I kept on all night, infact it is still on and I don't feel embarrassed.
With him I don't have to speak to him on his level, I am myself and it seems he even embraces that awkwardness missionary inside of me which gives me a sense that who I am makes sense, I feel it couldn't get sweeter than this, but you guys know how smooth I am,, so more sweetness is bound to come( I had to throw in some seriously so blessedness)

I actually have to give partial credit to Handsome guy about my thoughts about reservation, it was collectively revealed to me through so many people but mainly him because it has been so comfortable my level of reservation has been small. But here is the thing: currently he doesn't own soccer cleats! I am not really sure how to push through that. He did play indoor soccer with us the other night so I may or may not be letting that slide. You and I know how high my standards are for that help-meet! :)

There is more I could write but I'm going to blank-canvas it and open it up for questions

09 November 2008

I've been holding out and I'm sorry. THIS IS ABOUT RESERVATIONS

Okay, I have been holding out for a couple reasons and for you to understand you will have to endure these thoughts.
I am pretty close with these two girls and I think after this is explained I will write how my first crush died out and how the second one came in. However they both like soccer, have owned soccer cleats, have strong testimony and helped me do dishes. Now that you know the 3 things I look for....

It is kinda written to Kels and Stacie because of reservation itself.

I had a couple thoughts during my art class and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

DISCLAIMER: This may or may not be the voice of reason. You be the judge.

Have you ever connected with someone, where the words you wanted to share with him or her felt unlimited? Rare time there was not even words used at all that strengthened that connection. You didn't really have to think about holding anything back?

There is a sense of comfort ability, right?

Well I started thinking about that other side, the part that restrains us, is that a conscious decision? Or is it due to certain situations? In these cases, are we choosing to with hold thoughts and feelings.

For Kelsie and Stacie, I don't know what took us from A to B but I am certain it had to do with being ourselves around that dinner table. Yes I was eating celery acting like it tasted like cheesecake. Yes, Kelsie had eaten two dozen cookies all by herself that day. And Yes, Stacie was just laughing about the whole thing.

In the beginning there was two. Stacie and Kelsie. I met them in the church parking lot in Riverdale. It was late and the only light that existed was from the lights that illuminated the church. It was almost raining. And Stacie was receiving text messages.

So we had a sense of silliness that connected us from that dinner table, but in the parking lot it changed. Kelsie and Stacie let down their guard and opened a door to me into their lives. Both of you made a decision to share your soul. I shared a couple points from the recent work in progress titled: Voice of Reason. You guys may have connected to those ideas and even experimented upon those words to gain your own experience.

So what took us to that point? I think for 2 minutes you both let down any reservation about your own life, and or fears about your concerns in life, and let me in. if you hadn't, you never would have told me the things you did So there is a principle to note here and I would like to title it as RESERVATION

That 20-minute collaboration in the dark parking lot has still had lasting effects on each of us... because we let go of the reservation of fear and of what others or each other may have thought of us. A silver of trust now existed.

Today, it is rare that we would withhold information from each other. Between the three of us, it has been so progressive. Together we have dealt with the good news and the bad news or bad sticky situations. It has taken all three of us individually and collectively to grow with each other and to grow through each other and ourselves.

Sometimes we with hold truth or information because of the hindering thought of someone else. For example when we have a crush on someone or even dating multiple people and we aren't sure how they feel there is a huge sense of reservation we live with in our lives. How progressive is this characteristic in that sense? A reservation so strong it changes how we act, how we feel and how we think about the worth of ourselves. Ironically it even changes the way we treat others. Because we are unsure how someone else feels it is hard for us to be true to ourselves.

Harvesting reservations in our relationship with the Lord grows gnarly weeds that separate us from our true character and limited our growth to sprout. Hence through his love and because of His Love, He commands us to love him with all our heart, might, mind and strength. It is one of the most protective commandments to us emotionally and spiritually and that is why it was instituted early and we are reminded often of it. That is also why it is the hardest to live and reap blessings from. Personally I feel that if we truly devotedly harvested all our love and intelligence to the Lord, He will return it double fold, hands down.

As we magnify this commandment the Lord blesses us with that great and noble characteristic of loyalty. This allows us to magnify other righteous desires; it allows us to live other commandments with more clarity. The blessing of loyalty is a by-product of letting go of reservation, until we do this, the Lord waits. There fore the blessing of loyalty is obtainable through loving the Lord, which will only come when we can let go of other reservations.

Loyalty has been studied thoroughly and the doctrine is simple of how we may pattern of lives after the manner of happiness. Let’s study it sometime together.

The relationship we have with the Lord is a direct result of the type of relationships we have with ALL people. The closer I am to the Lord, the more able I am to operate as he does. I kept this in mind because there is strength in relationships that are built in, through, by and of the Lord. As I do so, I am able to extract the good and bad elements I have with every single person I feel I have a relationship with. A literally pruning begins to take a righteous root.

When we aren't exclusive to the Lord, a reservation is created and then co-exists with us whether it is in our heart and or in our minds. In this scenario. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO HAVE a reservation to the Lord? But it happens often, slowly and it is something we must work at everyday, just like any relationship that we tend to bear good fruit from. What am I losing or not gaining from relationships because I am consciously with holding myself out of fear or lack of faith.
I am at fault for this was an impression made to me. But I think I’ve been working on it a lot and the Lord has sharpened my mind to enhance the idea. I hope this is making some kind of rambled sense because having concerns and reservations are necessary in life as well.
Sometimes through our own thoughts or standards, reservations are developed, but it is when we are acted upon by these reservations or through other people’s reservations does it become difficult.
I guess I have a goal to live my life without reservation and maybe I should have just written that. But for me, I needed a resolution or a confirmation because I know that reservations can change our choices and even alter our thoughts to settle or more often create a period of waiting. Waiting on others as they work through their reservations. But when we wait, how much can we process? I have waited and even sometimes been glad when waited upon.
I don’t want to wait for something I’ve been inheritably given the gift to decide on. I want to strengthen loyalty and bind myself to the blessings surrounding it.
Thanks for listening to me sort it out.

08 November 2008

07 November 2008


Today is the year mark.... 365 days ago is gone. but not forgotten.

I feel there aren't words to blog to express my mission.

06 November 2008

The snow will be coming

I don't think fall was long enough this season, I guess it's still here BUT IT WAS SO FREEZING COLD YESTERDAY

02 November 2008

I have a second crush