12 January 2010

This morning I boarded the airplane with sandy, dusty black adidas mary janes on my feet. {The dust reminded me of knocking on doors, chasing people down to share the gospel, but this particular dust was the fruit of my labor picking tangelos in an orchard in Queen Creek, Arizona.} I had my purse full of pass along cards and I smiled to all the first class passengers. They needed to know the party is always in the back.

And so I headed there, to the back.


window seat, not for me but for my Nikon.

I sat down and thought about the location of my heart. I begin to pout, which was the beginning of a full on cry.
Yes, on the airplane. It was comparable to some passengers' first time in the air.
I'm sure the people around me must have assumed this was my first flight.

This was the first time since he passed away that I couldn't hold my own in public. So I just let it out in silence, waiting for the plane to lift my heart to an altitude possibly closer to the heavens.

Last Friday morning, it didn't matter that I drove 715 miles and 12 hours to get away from my reality, it followed me and I still missed him.

I drove passed Bryce Canyon and more specifically Kolob Canyon, where Josh and I had vacationed multiple times with his family.

There were good times.

Fun and Funny times.

The Friday sun began to fade and the sunset bore witness of The Great Creator whose works has no end and no beginning.

Somewhere along the scenic Arizonan Highway, I decided to turn my phone on to see if I had reception and to see any text messages received.

Five minutes passed and the screen lit up. I looked down and it read:


I answered: Hello!?

"Jenny, how are you?" His father asked.

"Dave, guess what I am doing right now?"

"okay, you are playing soccer and you just answered the phone with your left hand..??" he asked. {pretty good guessing for a father of a past boyfriend. He has always remembered my loves in life and my dominance of the left hand, like father like son."

"GOOD GUESS DAVE, I"M DRIVING TO ARIZONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was full of excitement mostly to hear his response.

"Jenny, be safe, how long? when? why? are you stopping, don't drive through the night......"

After I clued him in to the much needed break he continued with the purpose of his call.

"Jenny, when you get back from Tempe, please come over and visit us."

"Dave, I will, what do you want from Arizona?."

"Ah, Jenny, I have your Christmas present from Josh. He searched for awhile now, We searched all over to find this and so....."

I started to cry. "Dave, this is making me cry."

"Now Jenny, Don't cry, or I will cry too."

It was too late, after the phone call, I couldn't not.

The first thing I thought about was the Last Christmas card he sent me. it was a letter as lovely as always. He said Christmas was harder without me and better each year we spend it together.

I read that letter the morning of the funeral, the day before and a couple in between then.

Josh always included a good note about his gratitude and thankfulness and that was all I was yearning for. Just a
short note to say Hey.

I might make it there tonight or tomorrow but all I know if that it could be 12 years of something we shared together....

I cry thinking about it, in sadness that he is gone and in happiness that he has always left something for me. His thoughtfulness is blessing me even he isn't here.........right now... pretty special guy!


Amy said...

tears are rolling down my cheeks! You are a brave girl and I love you and am glad you had a chance to travel to AZ!!! It is a great place! Can't wait to talk and get caught up!