An individual


will only know the truth of their feelings

if they are true to those feelings.

If i have a desire for change


I need to do my part and

try my hardest to be true to the ultimate desire


To bring that truth to light to LIFE!

By being true, there seems

to unlock something within


a divine sense, testimony and a testament,

a true conviction that comes through

our obedience to

the desire..

It changes us

new years reminders in no order

My best friend

Three Hundred and sixty five days ago,

I wrote in my journal:

I turn myself away from my bedroom door and lower a pillow over my eyes.
If I can't see the sunlight, it can't see me.
I don't want to be awake yet.

It's already 10:00 a.m.

I am not ready to be accountable to my thoughts yet.

I adjust to the position I would be in ...if Josh were by me.
My lab jumps on my bed and to his comfort lays his 68 lbs across my lower legs and for a moment the compressed pressure feels like a leg massage,which was the last physical gift Josh gave to me and all I can do is think what a lousy way to replace a love. We talked on the phone and planned to meet that last night, just so he could relieve my 18 credit stress with a massage, I told him I wanted a break from rubbing and didn't want to give one back and in his smile through the phone he thought that was a perfect night.

But now, with Ryder lounged on my calves, all i could do was embrace the memory and replay it in my mind. over and over.

At this point, I am not going back to sleep.

The thoughts begin to creep. What am I going to do today to occupy my time?

Who can I serve? Why can't it be bedtime already?

I receive a text that reads: I SUCK AT LIFE. I call the number to address the issue and one hour later, we are inside the Ogden Temple, in the baptistry. We are wearing white and there is no confusion. The thoughts steams in appropriate patters and clarity.

He is okay. He is loved and He is closer than anyone else.

The day ends and I stop doubting the opportunities placed for me to serve. If only I would have woken up earlier, I could have served or helped out more.

There is no pressure from anyone for me to be the best I can. I am not measuring up in my own mind. But every one's condolences have already declared that I am the strongest person THEY know.

Am I the strongest person I know?

I knew who I was with him and there will come a time for me to find out who I am without him


........................................................................................................................................................................................


I realized through hard contemplation and heartache.

If he is progressing more now then he was alive,
I am willing and ready to endure this pain
my entire mortal life.

What he needs is more important than what I want.


.......................................................................................................................................


I am uncertain how all this is supposed to work. It has been the hardest of mornings, days, afternoons, evenings and nights. I'll read scriptures through the day and listen to music. Around 9 p.m. I check my email and my facebook messages, where a flood of good words are coming my way. People are sending me messages of their love for Josh and all that they gained by knowing him. I reply with my heart on my sleeve. I'm thankful.

I go into my bedroom and turn on my heating blanket and go run bath water. Then I get in the tub, I lay there in the dark, convincing myself this is a situation that is bearable. I bawl in the tub and cry that I don't want to start over. I don't want it to be over and I don't want to start over.

I get out of the tub and put on pajamas. They stick to my damp skin as I slide underneath the heated covers. As I wrap up in this womb of blankets, my fetal position does not remain, I get to my knees and cry unto the Lord for all the blessings he has given me and for answering prayers. I sob to Him, because he knows what is the best for Josh. As I cover my body with the covers. I am crying so hard, that I have to be sure to swallow to keep my heart from coming up.

Before I know it, I awake usually around 3 a.m. I reach for my phone to check the time and read the texts of condolences from others and new facebook mesages. I respond to some, I know he is gone, even in the middle of the night.

I wake up and take a shower, I plug the drain, sit down and sob.

Yesterday I went through photos of us and letters, which you will eventually see.

But today I had to take the negatives in to be scanned and printed before I visit the Fowers tonight.

As I sat in the shower, I pondered a prayer that I might serve to heal myself.

I left the house with my negative film to print, and wet hair. Two blocks have been traveled when I see a blind man struggling through the snow.

I know this is Heavenly Father reaching out to me.

I pull over and clear my passenger seat of headbands. and pull over to him. He can't read my lips so I turn off my rodeo.

"Do you need a ride?"

He looks my direction "What street am I on?"

"You are on Jackson Ave."

He replies "I'm trying to get to Eccles ave. "

Eccles is the street Josh lives on, but I don't hesitate. "Can I give you a ride."

He accepts and I get out of the car to help him over the ice.

"Are you Mormon?" He asks me.

"Yes, I am."

In the car, driving him to his destination, I learned alot about brother Reyes.

He is blind and from Texas, he was walking to his Costa rican's friends house so they could travel to get medicine to heal his bones. I only used small phrases of Spanish with him.

As I helped me out of the car, I told him I hoped to see him again.

Jesus would have stop and picked him up, Josh would have stop and picked him up and so did I.

I am grateful that in my own wilderness the Lord's hand is there to guide me to service.

My heart burns with the sting of death and they only exhortation is to come to the Savior. For through Him all things are possible.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My best friend passed away, and with his passing,

it took a huge chunk of my confidence and belief in

what love is defined as. A constant light, dimmed in my sight.

I began to see death as real, something that I knew instead of just heard of.

Death is not a rumor anymore, for many, every single day, it's a flourishing nightmare that awakes us from some type of sleep.

A year ago, A semester ago, A couple months ago:


I was upset

I was sad

I was alone, and the closest mortal person to me was without his body,

But that didn't stop my love for him or even for my love of life.


And I mainly type this post tonight, to let you know, that whatever you struggle with

at some point it will be come bearable.


Bearable: being able to withstand.


Lessons learned:

I will never know what anyone else is going through and the very moment I judge them, I am trying to be the Savior.

We already have a Savior that will judge us perfectly, He doesn't need my help!

Life isnt fair and when it isn't fair to us that is when we complain about it... But life doesnt have to be fair,..God is offering us alot. This isnt forever, this isnt the end.. this isnt the final product.

I have learned where to turn for peace.


I know that Josh is doing good. I know.

Tis the Season

Which is your ideal Christmas?

1.




2.



3.



4.



5.





6.


7.



8.



9.



10.

Grief, aka the sting of death

is like a child moving forward.

Like a child learning to use their body.

you mothers know what this is like..

I picture a child running away in a skip like motion, yet it

isn't running at all, its the moves we made when were

little


when we were experimenting with our bodies.

Hop

skip

jump..

we can't decide so we add all these moves toward

and all the sudden

we are not were we once started...we have moved

and we are completely good at a straight line job or

skipping rope

because having this body and knowing

how to use it is

new to us


So grief is similar

I have often retreated into politeness

and private rituals,

I fight to appear less and more less isolated in my own room,

home

and mind.

The mourning has happened

in my car

in his room

in peru

california

arizona

during soccer games

sacrament meetings

girl nights out

babysitting

creating art

sleeping

breathing

I'm unready to re-enter daily life without mourning..

and I dont think I ever will live without it

but as the fog clears, my mind does too and

it whispers...

Jenny, you can do this. you have done this.

do this.

Grief shapes my body with maturity and grace.

and I'm grateful that is it some days the only darn thing i think about

The frayed emotions...


so some days you will see me skip and hop awkwardly into a run...

don't worry, its me and I just figured out how to do this

This one's for the lonely






The ones that seek and find




Only to be let down





Time after time


This one's for the torn down


The experts at the fall


Come on friends get up now


You're not alone at all

This one's for the faithless


The ones that are surprised


They are only where they are now


Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing


If only for it's sake


Come on friends get up now



Love is to be made

This is for the ones who stand


For the ones who try again


For the ones who need a hand


For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,


I am only led to wonder why


It comes and goes in waves


I am only led to wonder why


Why I try



















-greg laswell lyrics

This ones for you

I lose junk EVERYDAY,


imagine if i was a shepard?!!

"But none of the ransomed ever knew how deep were the waters crossed,
Nor how dark the night the Lord passed through,
Ere He found His sheep that was lost."
-Elizabeth C. Clephane-

Fade Away- Jennifer Hadley (written for Jenny Hansen) from jenfolio.com on Vimeo.

Jenny Hadley wrote this song and recorded it real quick


She is awesome and lovely.

Check it here

Shame on Hollywood for trying to make Death looks like Brad Pitt.

I havent had sugar in 24 days

How do you feel about shades of red...

I lay in bed wondering what this might mean.......

I’m in the airport once again.

I’m flying to Phoenix again.

The last time I was in Arizona, I shot a wedding at the

Mesa Arizona Temple.

I witnessed the sealing and prepared

Myself for the exit of the couple.

As I stood outside the Temple, two

Men, large in stature rolled up on old restored modified

Bicycle.



It was hot outside, peaking 105 degrees.

They wore white beaters and wanted something.

They walked up the stairs and I centered myself in front of the Temple entrance.

This all happened so natural,

One of them spoke to me and said, “We are catholic, that doesn’t matter to

Us, we need a message, a blessing from God.”

“I’m sorry you can’t enter the temple, but I can help you out.

Wait, right here and I’ll go get someone that can give you a blessing.”

As I turned to go into the House of the Lord, everything seemed to move in

Slow motion, I noticed all these people staring at me as I turned away from the men.

One man had screwdrivers and other tools in his pocket, and a black grab with something inside.

I entered the Temple and approached the desk.


The windows were tinted and the desk clerk could see exactly who waited on the outside, for a message from God.

“Those men need someone who can give them a blessing.” I said.

He responded, “We don’t do that.”

I could not return outside to tell them we can’t do that.


“What should I tell them?” I asked.


“Sister, Let me scan your temple recommend, go do the hall all the way to the end, turn left, head all the way down that hall,

and left again, you’ll see a door, it reads: “Temple President”

So I headed there, in a fast pace manner, mind you my bride and groom are getting ready, primping, putting on the wedding
get up.


So I have two cameras around my neck, and I’m inside the Temple.


I felt as though I had so much authority.

I met the Temple President, told him the same exact story I told the nice guy at the front desk.

Both men were dressed in white shoes, socks, slacks, jackets, dress shirts, ties and hair. Okay the hair was silver of sorts.

The Temple President said, “We can’t go outside in our white clothes, we can’t give those men a blessing.”



I suggested then directing them to the Temple Visitors Center, which he agreed.


I was sorely confused, which means I do not know the proper temple protocol.


And when I write sorely, I mean, I just don’t hold the priesthood and I don’t own white ties and jackets, so this was all just new

to me and if this was new to me, then I am sure Anthony was going to think I was crazy.


The fast pace walking continued and I exited the temple. My bride and groom had yet to exit.

The two men were there, as I approached them, I felt embarrassed.


I didn’t know how to tell them, they came to the wrong place to get an answer from God.


“Hey, so no one here can give you a blessing.”

Anthony looked at me and replied: “ We need a message from God, we need a blessing, YOU GIVE IT TO US.”

“I don’t have the authority to act in God’s name.”


When those words came out of my mouth, the spirit reminded me that those men did not have the full restored knowledge

about authority and power and priesthood endowments.

He replied with something blurry like: “You came out of the Temple, you can do it.”

“You’re right, I can. Come over to the side away from the door, I’ll pay for you.”

Huddled in a small compartment on the exterior of the Temple,

we meet as I asked them for their names:

Anthony and ________. The second name only stayed in my mind long enough for me to pray over it to the Lord.


I asked Heavenly Father to bless the two of them that they would find perfection in Christ as they serve others.

I felt so grateful to pray with them and for them.


The power and authority that many people search for is simply pray, a two-way communication between God and us.


As I concluded the prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, followed by Amen, I was received in some type of gangster related hug,

not so much a chest pound because im a girl, but it was a sincere hug, a warm embrace that connected us.

They returned to their low rider bikes and off into the basking desert heat.


I returned to my position as Head/Solo Photographer, when I saw through the tinted window, a tiny Philippine beauty.

My bride and groom were ready. Their sealing was pronounced and they awaited me to get ready.

I entered the Temple one last time and my convert said to me “You are still Sister Hansen!”

There are no words that suffice the way I felt to see one of my converts dressed in shades of white exited the Temple with her eternal companion.


I had spent many glorious weeks teaching her what I knew to be true and now I watched as she led by example and fulfilled the everlasting covenant.


Any time we live in light and truth, it come back to us, to usher us on and remind us what we know to be true.

I can’t wait to get back to the Desert.

Me, Always Wondering
by Jenny Hansen

I don’t cut and paste to often

and when I do,


it becomes somewhat altered according to my own mind.

I dont think that is a bad thing,

I just know I like typing, being and doing.

To do and be and asspire to something more than I am now is

amazing.




People consider

adding on to their homes,

adding to their purse collection:



adding to their families

and even adding to their debt,


and in all cases if you really have the desire to do so, it happens.



So it is with our personalities,


we are molded by the choices we make,

the people we meet and

our environment around us.


Good things come when we look outside of ourselves and reach for the unknown.


Most of the un known things are some what attractive to us and there fore we search it out.


There comes a time where and when we learn of new things

to the point we will incorporate it into our lives

(OR in opposition, on the other hand we will become extremely dis interested in the information at hand).


I am a happy girl.

I choose bright colors



but lately I have noticed I need to wear more patterns with my outfits,

right now it is too many blocks and shapes, their is no deminsional stimulation.




I think I went through a phase,

where I was quite uncomfortable with myself

so I avoided patterns and especially stripes.

You would probably speculate this was a recent time in my life...





you are right.

it got scary but now I’m changing alittle bit.

I see stripes as assests and so I must use them that way.


I’m sitting in class, just sitting, typing, eating salt and vinegar chips.


My professor said we might be able to get out early.


For once in my life, I would like to be sad when they say that, but


I never am.


I’m ungrateful

and selfish with my time, talents and when I have time alotted to do productive things, I choose the wrong, or the good, but the better and not the best.(I'm always working on this, always, every single day.)
How can I always choose the best when I just barely got good and choosing the right. One fine day, it will get better and I will be the very best at choosing the right. Right time, Right person, Right place, Right authority, Right dress, Right cake, Right shoes, Right Calling, Right house, Right color paint, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

September