The Nesnah Ynnej Family: December 2010

Three Hundred and sixty five days ago,

I wrote in my journal:

I turn myself away from my bedroom door and lower a pillow over my eyes.
If I can't see the sunlight, it can't see me.
I don't want to be awake yet.

It's already 10:00 a.m.

I am not ready to be accountable to my thoughts yet.

I adjust to the position I would be in ...if Josh were by me.
My lab jumps on my bed and to his comfort lays his 68 lbs across my lower legs and for a moment the compressed pressure feels like a leg massage,which was the last physical gift Josh gave to me and all I can do is think what a lousy way to replace a love. We talked on the phone and planned to meet that last night, just so he could relieve my 18 credit stress with a massage, I told him I wanted a break from rubbing and didn't want to give one back and in his smile through the phone he thought that was a perfect night.

But now, with Ryder lounged on my calves, all i could do was embrace the memory and replay it in my mind. over and over.

At this point, I am not going back to sleep.

The thoughts begin to creep. What am I going to do today to occupy my time?

Who can I serve? Why can't it be bedtime already?

I receive a text that reads: I SUCK AT LIFE. I call the number to address the issue and one hour later, we are inside the Ogden Temple, in the baptistry. We are wearing white and there is no confusion. The thoughts steams in appropriate patters and clarity.

He is okay. He is loved and He is closer than anyone else.

The day ends and I stop doubting the opportunities placed for me to serve. If only I would have woken up earlier, I could have served or helped out more.

There is no pressure from anyone for me to be the best I can. I am not measuring up in my own mind. But every one's condolences have already declared that I am the strongest person THEY know.

Am I the strongest person I know?

I knew who I was with him and there will come a time for me to find out who I am without him

........................................................................................................................................................................................

I realized through hard contemplation and heartache.

If he is progressing more now then he was alive,
I am willing and ready to endure this pain
my entire mortal life.

What he needs is more important than what I want.

.......................................................................................................................................

I am uncertain how all this is supposed to work. It has been the hardest of mornings, days, afternoons, evenings and nights. I'll read scriptures through the day and listen to music. Around 9 p.m. I check my email and my facebook messages, where a flood of good words are coming my way. People are sending me messages of their love for Josh and all that they gained by knowing him. I reply with my heart on my sleeve. I'm thankful.

I go into my bedroom and turn on my heating blanket and go run bath water. Then I get in the tub, I lay there in the dark, convincing myself this is a situation that is bearable. I bawl in the tub and cry that I don't want to start over. I don't want it to be over and I don't want to start over.

I get out of the tub and put on pajamas. They stick to my damp skin as I slide underneath the heated covers. As I wrap up in this womb of blankets, my fetal position does not remain, I get to my knees and cry unto the Lord for all the blessings he has given me and for answering prayers. I sob to Him, because he knows what is the best for Josh. As I cover my body with the covers. I am crying so hard, that I have to be sure to swallow to keep my heart from coming up.

Before I know it, I awake usually around 3 a.m. I reach for my phone to check the time and read the texts of condolences from others and new facebook mesages. I respond to some, I know he is gone, even in the middle of the night.

I wake up and take a shower, I plug the drain, sit down and sob.

Yesterday I went through photos of us and letters, which you will eventually see.

But today I had to take the negatives in to be scanned and printed before I visit the Fowers tonight.

As I sat in the shower, I pondered a prayer that I might serve to heal myself.

I left the house with my negative film to print, and wet hair. Two blocks have been traveled when I see a blind man struggling through the snow.

I know this is Heavenly Father reaching out to me.

I pull over and clear my passenger seat of headbands. and pull over to him. He can't read my lips so I turn off my rodeo.

"Do you need a ride?"

He looks my direction "What street am I on?"

"You are on Jackson Ave."

He replies "I'm trying to get to Eccles ave. "

Eccles is the street Josh lives on, but I don't hesitate. "Can I give you a ride."

He accepts and I get out of the car to help him over the ice.

"Are you Mormon?" He asks me.

"Yes, I am."

In the car, driving him to his destination, I learned alot about brother Reyes.

He is blind and from Texas, he was walking to his Costa rican's friends house so they could travel to get medicine to heal his bones. I only used small phrases of Spanish with him.

As I helped me out of the car, I told him I hoped to see him again.

Jesus would have stop and picked him up, Josh would have stop and picked him up and so did I.

I am grateful that in my own wilderness the Lord's hand is there to guide me to service.

My heart burns with the sting of death and they only exhortation is to come to the Savior. For through Him all things are possible.

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My best friend passed away, and with his passing,

it took a huge chunk of my confidence and belief in

what love is defined as. A constant light, dimmed in my sight.

I began to see death as real, something that I knew instead of just heard of.

Death is not a rumor anymore, for many, every single day, it's a flourishing nightmare that awakes us from some type of sleep.

A year ago, A semester ago, A couple months ago:

I was upset

I was sad

I was alone, and the closest mortal person to me was without his body,

But that didn't stop my love for him or even for my love of life.

And I mainly type this post tonight, to let you know, that whatever you struggle with

at some point it will be come bearable.

Bearable: being able to withstand.

Lessons learned:

I will never know what anyone else is going through and the very moment I judge them, I am trying to be the Savior.

We already have a Savior that will judge us perfectly, He doesn't need my help!

Life isnt fair and when it isn't fair to us that is when we complain about it... But life doesnt have to be fair,..God is offering us alot. This isnt forever, this isnt the end.. this isnt the final product.

I have learned where to turn for peace.

I know that Josh is doing good. I know.

Grief, aka the sting of death

is like a child moving forward.

Like a child learning to use their body.

you mothers know what this is like..

I picture a child running away in a skip like motion, yet it

isn't running at all, its the moves we made when were

little

when we were experimenting with our bodies.

Hop

skip

jump..

we can't decide so we add all these moves toward

and all the sudden

we are not were we once started...we have moved

and we are completely good at a straight line job or

skipping rope

because having this body and knowing

how to use it is

new to us

So grief is similar

I have often retreated into politeness

and private rituals,

I fight to appear less and more less isolated in my own room,

home

and mind.

The mourning has happened

in my car

in his room

in peru

california

arizona

during soccer games

sacrament meetings

girl nights out

babysitting

creating art

sleeping

breathing

I'm unready to re-enter daily life without mourning..

and I dont think I ever will live without it

but as the fog clears, my mind does too and

it whispers...

Jenny, you can do this. you have done this.

do this.

Grief shapes my body with maturity and grace.

and I'm grateful that is it some days the only darn thing i think about

The frayed emotions...

so some days you will see me skip and hop awkwardly into a run...

don't worry, its me and I just figured out how to do this