18 November 2012

Truly, do I really even ever deserve more?

Have you ever woken up needing somebody?

It's been happening to me.

I lay there, I'll peek my eyes open alittle 

just to make sure I'm alone,

my eyes close again,

and I think of him.


And then I think of the other him.


And my heart literally beats harder in the dark, alone, knowing,

the next time I see him, we won't have our bodies, and or

we will have resurrected bodies.

My love for him has changed. but it remains.

But he loved me in a way I couldn't love myself.

That was the easiest part to say when I spoke at his funeral.

So that may be another reason why I hate Winter.

He left me in Winter and I become alone.

I become lonely.

I become one.

The secrets we shared are buried 6 feet down, in the earth and 

the other half of those secrets are in heaven, because really,

in that location, there are not secrets.

Sometimes I am tempted to share his secrets with others,

because my loyalty has shifted from him.

But it does not mean I care less or 

hurt less. It's all still there. I carry it, just in case someone I meet needs to know there is healing,

there is newness of life and there is life again.

Most recent than not, I tried to scare a guy away.

I didn't know him at all, but I have some tactics that have worked in the past.

So I just pulled them out. This guy didn't deserve it, but its just what I do,

pushing the vulnerability out there... pushing my hurt out there.

I don't want any guy to learn too late that

who I am is in direct relation to my hurt, my experiences and my ability to feel loved.

once.. and hopefully twice.

Well, I don't think I could share the actual line...

But I can say that it didn't work according to my plan.

He knew more of my soul than I could have ever imagined.

Because he kind of has a soul like mine.

And that changed everything.

And everything changed.

And I was smiling all the time.

I was happy. And I became happier.

They were such good memories.

Oh memories..........memories...

I want many more of them things.


To have such good memories that you 

fall asleep to re create them.


You're reading this thinking...

Jenny, What is this really about?

I learned from a book that anger is just actually how we act out when out 

feelings are hurt. I believe that. But it's odd, I don't get angry. Its not an emotion,

I choose. But getting my feelings hurt... That emotion is something I'm a servant to

at times.... Even that tidbit about anger and getting feelings hurt isn't what I'm writing about..

You see.. I'm stalling...And even in my stalling I choose to be deliberate.

No more stalling.

Okay.Here.We. Go


The other day I wrote in my journal, here's the entry:

Please think about this question for
 one minute before answering,
and more come to you, even after
you respond once,
 please comment
 as often as something comes
 to your mind. please.

I need help this winter.

I hate being lonely in winter.

I think Josh dying in winter, just adds to the emotion.

Being alone and lonely during these holidays.

The snow covers up Mother Earth as it prepares for Spring.

Water becomes ice.

The sun shines but it's difficult to feel the literal warm or for

it to warm you up.

I hate being alone in winter, but I know I can do it.

Please help me REMEMBER why I am grateful

to still be single.

What are some things
 you miss doing 
when you were single?
I feel like I need to renew who I am and really appreciate this time being alone.



But today as I sat in sacrament, all the answers to loneliness and aloneness came to me.

1. I was there in silence, convinced the silence was a direct result of my being alone,

unbothered or distracted by anything or anyone.

2. I get to have sacrament partaking moments like that every single sunday.

It doesn't matter how many mornings I wake up needing someone.

It doesn't matter how bad I feel for myself. Or the heart of mine that is being mended, continually, 

it's either breaking all the time or enlarging, because to be honest, this mending feels like it's happening 

all the time. And I hope its me turning my will to my loving Father in Heaven's will, and in that case

I'd pursue a lifetime of mending, altering, cutting, breaking, bleeding and being, just to be sure I am 

I need to be in mortality. But on the other hand.............................................I'm still vulnerable...

 loving and losing and loving and losing and loving and waiting....

It's okay because It doesn't matter.

And It doesn't matter  because it's okay.

I have been given so much.

Truly, do I really even ever deserve more?

I pray so.

But I recognize

My plate is full of well placed food in the appropriate portions and amounts.

It's colorful, it's intentional, it's full of flavor,

 it's everything that I need according to 

my Loving Father in Heaven.

But remember how I've never tasted anything that I didn't like.

And remember how I'll finish everything on my plate,

and then your plate of food if you don't.

And remember how I always get a to go bag and I love eating it for breakfast.

It seems although I have good, grand things on my plate.

I want more. I want it now.

So I keep this little spot empty and clean.

Do I sound horrible?

Although I'm against that daily thanksgiving/  feeling that comes with over eating,

I want more life, I want more to learn of.

I want to grow in new ways..

I want life all over again..

but with one new ingredient.

I don't want to do it alone.

I want him.

Because I have a feeling even then, I would never been full.

But together we would be whole.

And being whole and being full are different.

Just like being perfect is completely different than being worthy and being holy.

I want him.


Amy Scerra said...

This was beautiful. you certainly have, and deserve, more love. it will come you way. You're beautiful in ever way!