01 April 2011

The Almost Last Almost Love Almost Letter



Dear Josh,
It's 5 a.m.
It's been over a year now.
I have already slumbered my mandatory 5 hours of sleep for the night.
But now, I can't sleep...plus
I wanted to tell you a couple things.
I've been meaning to..
I wanted to write you, you know,

document it down, instead of my normal method of
blurting out words and emotions
into thick dark muted air.

Ever since you left the earth, my words to you have been
very selective, while my actual reality is swallowed up
by thoughts and memories of you.



you have always created memories with me.
Still, you continue to create memories for me
since you left the earth. you already know this. but
for this purpose I write
to confirm to the world that there is more
to the essence we declare as
mortality


I love you for that.


So remember how you used to drive me around
 to take photos when I began my photo program at
WSU?
One particular memory comes to mind when we took night shots of real things
using artificial light, the plants, foliage and rocks..which in turn made our real things like artificial.
We used the jeep to
add extra fake light.
And remember that was the same night,
 I rolled my own film,
one hundred shots in a reel,
only to realize later, how in the world was i going to develop that myself.


Josh, I have yet to develop it.


It's a little way I'm preserving that night.

I recently had my graduation photos taken.



The photographer's name is Liz. 
I have known her for two years, and aside from our collaborations
and me assisting her,
I consider her a friend.
She has an ability,
a gift that she shares to beautify the world,
and me on this particular morning.
(rachel did the hair &makeup)

The photo shoot began
on a railroad track....
without any rails.







And once again the irony sinks in, 
you see,
Rail road tracks are laid on ballast, which are crushed stones,
(Symbolically) these rocks are:
resilient,
 they offer
flexibility to the rails, as the train moves,
 the load of both tracks is distributed evenly.

These rocks have sharp edges to
help interlock with each other.
becoming a unified element.
I lay in place of the rails
I can only imagine that this spot had life once,
the train whistle blew in this neighborhood once.


It was present.




but its silent now
 I hear the wind better.
ironically, I hear everything better


everything
except your voice.
As for now, this path is simply a
waiting ground.


And on this day, it also become a special place.








Liz is a connective person and is able to evoke emotions from within.
As she is directing the shoot, she says something
on along the lines of:
"Look up to the sky, smile at your boyfriends."




I look up
I wonder if he is looking back,
The sun is shinning
but partly covered.
 The clouds act as a veil, 
for more than the sun.
and my eyes slightly water.
I wonder what this face looked like through a lens




I feel a groan in my stomach that tells my face its still okay
to smile.
part of me wants to cry and the other part of me just blurts out
"Hi, Josh."


This isn't odd or uncomfortable to do in front of Liz, for she knows a bit about me.


Liz gets closer to me and says something in just the exact way I needed to hear it.


"Jenny, you can still love him.
He just can't be your husband."




And the light becomes more real, she is right.
Its okay to love him, and be loved by him.
In that moment I feel my heart grow a little.

Could it be, that is all I need is a little push,
someone to remind me that
great things do await me.

Thank you Liz, for bringing out my inner beauty
and helping my new heart grow.

a new beat...

Could it be this heart could beat :
double
 again
repeatedly
oh the newness of this..

I thought about that moment alot since then...

So in pursuit of this, I think about my future.


I'm moving to Arizona 

and want to be sure I close any doors
my
 "CRUSHING EXTRA ATTENTION LITTLE HEART" 
may have tried to open.




My Bucket/To Do List starts with number one:
1. Begin "EXPRESSING" my interest in each of these guys.
Telling them how I feel.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RESULTS ARE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some are taken back,
some are flattered
and some are just confused..

Besides being "crushed" by me, they all have something else in common...





none of them are interested. 0 for 6.

And that is okay..... as mention above...

A flourish spot in Arizona is waiting for me.



Where I will move with my camera..



and I'll bring my Whimsical Headbands too

 and I'll be myself
and i'll look for new challenges


























The journey

even without the rails 

has been worth 

every 

single 

sharp 

ballast

 rock.




(click like and or share away
if your little heart desires)









11 comments:

tiff and jay. said...

i love this so much!!!! wow!! Jenny you are such a beautiful person, artist, writer and so much more. I know Josh hears these words!

kirstin said...

I sure love you Jenny! Thanks for being you.

The Pocket Inn said...

Jenny! What an amazing post! You have the most beautiful soul and such a perfect way of expressing how you feel! I love you!

J.lee Hansen said...

Tiffani, Thank you for reading this and keeping up. I love your new blog layout and photos... can't wait to spend more time together...

J.lee Hansen said...

Kirstin,

Thanks for your words..

I love you back... and I truly appreciate our friendship

J.lee Hansen said...

Katie,

Thank you...for loving me and I love you back..

You are someone who really took care of me spiritually as a missionary....yep..your testimony did that.

The Hattons said...

jenny. holy cow. that picture where your looking up at josh... it says so much. she really did a fantastic job but more importantly kuddos for showing up real. fearless. holding nothing back. i love how you wrote this post. incorporating her pictures. the story about the rail road. i love how she said u can still love him u just cant marry him. so true. your amazing my dear. so beautiful inside and out. cant wait to hear about your adventures in az!

Emily said...

I've never read you blog Jenny but now I'm just gonna have to start. Your words are remarkably striking and beautiful. What a emotion evoking way to tell this story. Thank you for that. I also love the pictures by the way. It gets my mid swirling.

caldwell said...

Such BEAUTIFUL pictures. You are so talented!!! I wish Chase and I could do a photo shoot with ya. That would be so fun! Maybe someday.

Ashley said...

am i crying right now? your beautiful jenny, and strong, and amazing... and i cant wait to see everything that your big sould accomplishes!

J.lee Hansen said...

Thank you all for reading! I truly appreciate the words, thoughts and hopes.